Sunday, December 12, 2010

Peoria Driver's Test

I haven't blogged in ages, but a lot has been on my mind, especially since I drive so much. I'm so tired of Peoria area drivers that I have developed a test that needs to be administered by the Secretary of State to all mid-state IL drivers. If you miss any question, you automatically fail and your license revoked. Without further ado.

1. When driving 28 mph in the left lane going east on War Drive, you should:
A. Immediately text the Peoria Police Department and tell them that someone is riding your ass.
B. Continue singing "Roxanne" at top lung totally oblivious to your surroundings
C. Turn on your right signal, check traffic, move to the right lane .
D. Same as C, but then pull into Schooners, have a refreshing beverage and some wings, drive home at midnight when there is less traffic and no one cares you are going 28mph in any lane.

2. Routinely, and even weekly this time of year, you should:
A. Pack your car full of empty fast food wrappers that you can toss out into your least favorite blogger or councilperson's front yard
B. Inspect your automobile to ensure your lights, signals and other safety features are working properly.
C. Drink heavily before driving so if you get stuck in a snow drift you'll be passed out and won't care that nobody is trying to rescue you.
D. Call your insurance agent to check if your towing insurance covers sliding into a ditch because you were yapping on your cell phone and not paying attention to the snow packed road on which you were driving.

3. It is OK to run a red left turn arrow:
A. At all intersections involving War Memorial Drive.
B. If the vehicle in front of you did.
C. Never.
D. I am the most important driver on the road so red arrows don't apply to me. As this is the longest answer, it has to be the correct one.

4. When turning left onto a divided four lane road you:
A. Turn into the far lane causing a collision with the guy turning right on red.
B. Go straight.
C. Turn into the closest lane.
D. Run over pedestrians or people selling candy.

5. While driving, your cell phone rings. You should:
A. Put down your coffee, Egg McMuffin, lipstick/razor and answer the phone.
B. Try to Google the unfamiliar number to see if you want to answer it while driving with your knees.
C. Bitch that they are calling you instead of texting you.
D. Let the damned thing go to voicemail.

6. The lever that extends from the left hand side of the steering column is:
A. ?????? but it is awfully dusty.
B. A handy dandy thing that holds miscellaneous things like rubber bands, hair ties, extra key rings and other assorted "looped" things.
C. Up calls the maid, down calls the butler.
D. Signal light indicator.

Essay Question: You are heading west on Main Street in Peoria. You need to turn right onto University. Please explain how the hell you are supposed to turn your Hummer into that tiny, narrow little lane without taking out the curb, One World and pedestrians.

Extra Credit Question: When is it permissible to drive 50 mph across a fairly full parking lot.
A. Trying to stop a wayward shopping cart from running over a little old lady.
B. Attempting to get a parking spot within the first 4 spaces within a row closest to the store.
C. Spotting a city council member who voted for the museum, hotel and gas tax and trying to run them over.
D. Never
E. D when C doesn't apply.

I wish my few remaining readers a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and hopefully safer driving this holiday season.