Too Bad To Be Made Up

Today was not an ordinary drive to work. The 35 mile drive (had to hit a grocery store first) provided plenty of things to shake my head at.

The first was in the Central Bluff of Peoria. Sir, while I understand that you have taken it upon yourself to improve your health, etc. by jogging, please put your shirt back on. Some of us can not bear a sight that is reminiscent of flesh colored pudding during an earthquake blobbing along the streets of Peoria. Maybe when you have the famous abs of our alcohol hating Congressman Aaron Schock, it may be permissible.

Ladies, quit laughing. I'm on SW Adams and behind me is a fairly large breasted woman. Leaning over her crotchrocket type motorcycle. In a halter top. My rear view mirror about cracked. I about cared to see most of her endowededness about as much the previously sighted man jello. By now, I'm searching for a Wal-Greens to buy a vat of saline solution to rinse my eyes out.

Oh, I'm far from done. As I slow down to stop at the light at 29 and Derby in Pekin, the car stopped in front of me is a (dirty) white or cream colored mid 90's Cadillac. When the light turns green and we speed up, it appears the trunk lid is shaking. The faster we go, the more the shake. I wonder who the hell is going to pop out going 45 mph. Then I notice it. Either a. a cross-eye Cyclops b. a clown mechanic c. a severely intoxicated NASCAR pit crew member installed the driver's side rear tire on this car. It was wobbling uncontrollably. How in the world the driver didn't feel that is beyond me. Now I'm nervous the damn thing will fall off, the car goes into a tailspin and crunches the Metro.

I turn at the prison to head down Manito Blacktop hoping for less distractions. I come up on a car going 45 (in a 55). I follow him for a bit and when safe to pass, I give the Metro's 3 cylinders some extra go juice and around him I go. I settle in at 62-ish and the next thing I know, this guy is so far up my ass, I can pass on my proctology exam this year. I speed up a bit and so does he. WTF? Ok, you want games, here's one for you. I am starting to know some of the backroads. Knowing one is coming up to the left, I pull into the opposing lane of traffic (as there was no opposing traffic) and slowed down to about 45 mph. Well, this freaked the autoproctologist out and he didn't know quite what to do. My turn came and I took it a bit quicker than advisable. I noticed he hit the brakes. So, I guess he can drive 45 mph and piss himself off, tailgate himself and piss himself off, or just go f- himself. Ain't got a pair to drive over the speed limit, don't follow me.

I almost dreaded coming home tonight. I did notice quite a few police cars along SW Washington...all parked. Guess they were waiting for crime to come to them. And then, the tete de Cuvee of all driving douchebaggery: I'm stopped at Adams and Spring wanting to turn left. There is a car beside me at the light on my right. I noticed pulling up to the light that he had a left turn signal on. So, he wants to turn left from the middle lane? Naaaw. The light turns green, he honks and then bolts right in front of me to turn left onto Spring!!!! Damned near took out the Metro. He is ahead of me at Jefferson Street at the red light and decides that red lights do not apply and took a left onto Jefferson.

I'm home. The Sam Adams is cold. Hopefully, tomorrow's drive will be less eventful.