Read this FIRST!!

This is important. If you fail to read this, you will probably not understand my reviews, which may cause you to post something in response that might make you look silly and then I can't help you.

First, I'm going to be a bit out of the norm. Whereas other restaurant critics have to be politically correct so it can be printed, I do not. I may use another restaurant as a comparison. I may make insulting remarks. I may poke fun of (fill in the blank). I may make more stupid remarks than Phil Luciano.

Next, I will incorporate my opinions from both a diners and food operators point of view. Example: Let's say there are two other tables besides yours. It takes 45 minutes to get your food. Most people will say, "Where's our waitperson?" "The service is horrible". "If she was any slower, she'd get run over by a glacier" Well, it isn't your server. What has happened is the owner isn't around, the manager is flirting with some hottie at the bar, the cooks know this and are out back smoking weed by the dumpster knowing the "manager" is "occupied" and don't give a rat's backside about your chicken parmesan. So, the waitperson is hiding in the waitstation because he\she is tired of being asked and tired of making excuses to where your food is (or in this case, is not). Of course, the waitperson could interrupt the manager, risking being run through the dishmachine later that night by "butt chewed" line cooks looking to get revenge on the snitch. Of course, their butts weren't chewed because of your chicken parm...They were chewed because he\she was taken away from interrupting "later in the evening opportunities" at the bar. So, while most people would assume their waitperson is stuck in the La Brea Tar Pits, I have a pretty good idea it's a kitchen problem.

Furthermore, I'm not going to break things down for you like the usual critic. Why? Usually, several categories are lumped together. I'm going to explain things as I go . All critic reviews get rated by service, decor, atmosphere, blah, blah. Let's say I go to restaurant X. The salad comes out and is the size of a garnish. The main course comes and it's more food than nine people can eat. The dessert comes and it's still frozen..Straight from the box from US Foodservice (who is a competitor of mine, so thusly I shall make fun of them). So, one star for the salad, 5 for the main course (because more is better in Peoria) and 2 for the chesecake...so 2 1/2 stars is about the average there for food. I'm just going to explain things as they happen and give a brief synopsis at the end. No stars, smiley faces, wine glasses, etc. I've never understood those "star" ratings anyway. Two stars...is that two stars in comparison to what you expected, two stars compared to all the other meals you've ever eaten in your life or two stars compared to all of the exact same items you've eaten elsewhere? It may be the best meatloaf a critic has ever eaten and gives it 5 stars, but is it better than a perfectly prepared 8 oz. USDA Prime filet mignon from St. Elmo's in Indianapolis (it's probably CHEAPER)? So, I hope you see my point about star rating systems.

My plan is that I'm going to try to hit about a place a week. If you care to join me, give me a shout. Be forewarned that most of the time I usually eat pretty late...sometimes even when I get out of work at 9 PM. No, I'm not paying.

See you around the table....